Of Racks and Sweater Puppies

15Mar/1018

Of Racks and Sweater Puppies

Over the weekend, I was challenged by Carol of No Sheeples and by Stacy McCain to post on the subject of sweater puppies, but unfortunately was too preoccupied with Aidan's birthday celebration to do so, though the subject is one that I hold dear. The Classic Liberal, whose Rule 5 blogging is, frankly, Homeric, also linked up. So without further ado, let me just state that to the best of my knowledge it must be conceded that Sophia Loren had the greatest rack of which there exists photographic evidence, ever.

With due deference to Victor Davis Hanson, that carved upon the prow of a trireme would have caused great confusion among enemy pilots, it is my firm belief.

Having established that to the satisfaction, at least, of anyone who is competent to judge of these matters, I would like to make a distinction. A great rack is an object of extraordinary sublimity in the Wordsworthian sense. It has its own gravity; the cleavage of it is like a black hole drawing the gaze inexorably into it, and threatening to draw the face along with that gaze in a headlong plunge.

This is not so of sweater puppies. Sweater puppies are more accessible, friendlier, not as august, sculptural or imperious. Although she was the prototype of Rielle Hunter, one of the foremost exponents of sweater puppihood ever must be Shirley MacLaine in her very early years, as she appeared in her first film, Hitchcock's The Trouble with Harry. Strangely, it is hard to find a photo of her from this period that does justice to her sweater puppies.

She was the pixie ingenue for whom the knit was created, her feminine sensuality always radiating from behind her tomboyish companionability, the pliant fabric accentuating the contrast with her lissome body, with an apparently unconscious penchant (so stupid are men) for hyperextending her elbows on either side to push her breasts together and up, while casually leaning over a porch railing or balustrade. She was the kind of chick that you could be friends with, have a few beers and a laugh, and then have hot abandoned sex in the cabin and still manage a game of strip pinochle over Irish coffee in the morning.

Whereas the pleasure of the rack is predominantly visual, the pleasure of sweater puppies is anticipatory to tactile palpation. The sweater girl has gone into sad eclipse in American culture. I'm afraid that it can only be considered a decadence. Horror movies with disembodied hands exist for a reason, you know, and a large part of that reason has to do with sweater puppies encompassed in lovely cashmere, beside one in a darkened theater. The rack requires the machinery of cantilevering fabric called the bra. Inevitably, the two breasts of the rack are considered in the aggregate, whereas a pair of sweater puppies can be contemplated in harness, as it were, or individually.

I don't mean to be pendantic, but I think it's important to make these distinctions.
UPDATE: For dicentra

Dan Collins

Dan Collins is a dude who blogs. He used to blog elsewhere. Now he blogs here.

Website - More Posts

Filed under: Too Lazy to Categorize Leave a comment

Comments (18) Trackbacks (2) ( subscribe to comments on this post )

dicentra
March 15th, 2010 - 12:52

This is something that women will never understand about you men: the obsession with the mammaries.

There’s no analog, on account of us being more cerebral than visual about attraction.

And the Freudians claim that female sexuality was considered to be “hidden” because of the location of the womb. He totally forgot about the chest.

Proving once and for all that Freud was as gay as an Easter parade. No real man would make that mistake.

Like or Dislike: 0 0
( REPLY )
- Dan Collins
  March 15th, 2010 - 13:01
  
  Comparatively speaking, men are, as you insinuate, mechanical. You put dangly things on your ears, we react as fish presented with a lure might.
  
  In fairness to Freud (who is goofy in some respects), female sexuality in his time was hidden, in the sense that even in a pair of roomy Edwardian trousers, it was likely that the man with the hard on would have to remove himself to contemplate the gorgeous prospect outside the window, to hide the evidence even as he represented his soulfullness. In thouse days, the apparatus of female desire-signalling, such as erect nipples, would not generally have been so . . . salient, due to the whalebone, and all.
  
  Like or Dislike: 0 0
  ( REPLY )
  - dicentra
    March 15th, 2010 - 13:23
    
    If costume dramas are to be believed, women of the era had plenty of opportunity to display cleavage, which is enticing enough when just sitting there, minding its own business.
    
    Like or Dislike: 0 0
    ( REPLY )
- Enoch_Root
  March 15th, 2010 - 13:01
  
  we dont understand it either. nonetheless, boobs are pretty much outstanding. mostly.
  
  Like or Dislike: 0 0
  ( REPLY )
Bob Reed
March 15th, 2010 - 13:16

Pendantic…

*snork*

Great pun Dan, and a most delicious post about a subject close to my heart…

Like or Dislike: 0 0
( REPLY )
dicentra
March 15th, 2010 - 13:33

Well, Dan, that’s 9:33 I’ll never get back. I hesitate to ask why you showed me that delightful clip, though I’m guessing it had to do with the ocean.

Like or Dislike: 0 0
( REPLY )
- Dan Collins
  March 15th, 2010 - 13:44
  
  Oh, it’s just that the sensitivity of “so damned, damned . . . wet” reminds me of the picture I just painted of the Edwardian aesthete.
  
  Like or Dislike: 0 0
  ( REPLY )
Edelmira Cruce
March 15th, 2010 - 15:32

Additional information is here: http://www.flicspasalon.com/free-handmade-soap.html

Like or Dislike: 0 0
( REPLY )
Johanna
March 15th, 2010 - 15:53

I swear, only you Dan, could write about racks and breasts in such an astute thoughtful way. Lol!

Like or Dislike: 0 0
( REPLY )
Joe
March 15th, 2010 - 16:05

Where The Boys Are was on TV this weekend. I think it was made in 1960. Not a lot of sweaters during that spring break film, but the women all look great.

I will just throw that one out there.

Like or Dislike: 0 0
( REPLY )
Joe
March 15th, 2010 - 16:09

Here are some more sweater pictures to pick up Dan:

Look how the knit holds up under tension!

Can there be too much tension? I say no.

Like or Dislike: 0 0
( REPLY )
- Enoch_Root
  March 16th, 2010 - 05:01
  
  Joe – the answer is, as you rightly contend, a hearty and bountiful “no.”
  
  Like or Dislike: 0 0
  ( REPLY )
Lazarus Long
March 15th, 2010 - 21:39

Oh great, an excuse to tell this story.

Driving along this afternoon, saw a bumper sticker on the back of a truck.

It featured the pink breast cancer awarness ribbon, and the slogan “Save The Ta-Tas”

I almost fell out of my car I was laughing so hard.

Like or Dislike: 0 0
( REPLY )
No Sheeples Here
March 16th, 2010 - 00:45

Dan,

You gave a magnanimous, reverent and herculean effort in correlating the difference between racks and breasts. Now, we ask this of you, can you provide pom pom pictorials of a college pep squad member that squares with the meme of March Madness?

Come on, Dan. You can do it. Show us some team spirit.

Like or Dislike: 0 0
( REPLY )
Mr. Bingley
March 18th, 2010 - 12:10

A clip from the Golden Age Of Sweaters.

Like or Dislike: 0 0
( REPLY )
Hale
April 9th, 2010 - 21:42

Can the left one be a rack and the right a puppy?

Like or Dislike: 0 0
( REPLY )
- Dan Collins
  April 10th, 2010 - 03:41
  
  No.
  
  Like or Dislike: 0 0
  ( REPLY )
Beberoni
October 4th, 2010 - 09:39

Sweater puppies have always belonged in a special category. Just to see them stretch that oh so soft fabric, its just a magical thing to see. It happened again today, and its hard to keep from staring at them when they are fully enclosed by a thin sweater. Let this be a lesson to all you young girls that think you have to run around with them hanging over half way out. Sweater puppies are much more sexy, trust me, I am 100 percent red blooded man.

Like or Dislike: 0 0
( REPLY )