POWIP Piece of Work In Progress – Former Abode of Dan Collins

No Country for Young Boys

In the continuing saga of raising a boy in this, the Age of Emasculation, I would like to do some complaining and perhaps share some observations with you, Dear Reader.

Let me set the stage by sharing a little bit about our beloved and eldest son, Matthew. He is 9.5 years old. He is into Legos and Video games. He likes to read and has a seemingly inherent passion for the Faith and an interest in Theology. He is an exceptional student and scores well on tests. He thinks he would like to be an astronaut, architect, and scientist when he grows up. He's keeping his options open. He is a very kind-hearted boy. Empathetic. He is a sweetheart, really. He is polite. He is capable at sports, enjoys them, etc. He loves conversation and the game Spore.

The problems arise from the following: He is intense. And he is sensitive. And he burns hot.

Mrs Root and I would be the first to admit he is not perfect (as so many of his classmates are deemed to be). We know our child quite well. And we never tire to point out to his teachers the very best ways we know how to deal with him when he is getting worked up. In the past couple years he has made stunning progress recognizing when he is about to snap. And he is doing as he has been instructed: he gets away from the situation and goes someplace where he can collect his thoughts as his biometrics return to some semblance of idling.

I suppose some additional information is necessary before I go into the larger point I am attempting to make.

We are continually on edge when Matthew goes to school. And during school hours a simple ringing of a phone can make the body instantly tense.

A really bad day for Matthew goes a little like this: He goes to school. All is well. He does well and is attentive during class. Then comes the "unstructured" time... what we used to call "recess". Kids are mean. Most kids are mean when they play a competitive game. So, in kickball, one might comment "easy out". They may indeed say this to each batter. But to Matthew, this is something of a personal affront. He seems unable to slough it off. Therein is the rub. He does not react immediately. Then perhaps the same kid belittles him in a game of tag, by saying he was too slow. Perhaps that same child then says something on the order of, "get Matthew", making Matthew feel singled out. Perhaps this same kid perceives Matthew is beginning to become annoyed. So, this same kid continues on in the same vain. Matthew will have by this point told the kid to back off, making it clear that he is not appreciative of the borderline-obsessive attention being paid him in particular. These days, Matthew recognizes rage as it swells in him. And these days he simply separates himself from the situation. But the impulse is to slug the taunting child. His being tells him that a line has been crossed and that his charity and warnings are going entirely unappreciated and unheeded.

In the normal, natural, less-governed and socially-engineered times, Matthew would likely be expected to react to the insults. In fact, it is likely that in the not-so-recent past, Matthew would be expected to defend his dignity. Further, there would be general concern over a child who didn't defend himself with alacrity.

The reason is that the only means to strike an actual equilibrium with another Alpha Male would be to slug it out. For those who do not have boys or have never been a boy, I can assure you that the best therapy for a bully is a bloody nose.

Now, in the beginning of the year, this particular boy and Matt would duke it out. Unfortunately for Matt, he always came out on top. What that meant, in effect, was that while it takes two to tango, the other boy received a great deal more sympathy for his bumps and bruises. It was at this moment that Matthew became "the problem". It seems he would have been better served to have been less effective at vanquishing his opponent. Thereafter followed several more incidents... BUT with FAR LESS frequency. Nevertheless, even though the frequency of physical conflict was declining, the "remedies" imposed on Matthew (and to some extent the other combatant) were being ratcheted up.

Some will claim that the ratcheting up of the discipline associated with fighting had its desired effect. I say that it had some effect with regard to the fighting between these two boys. But it had some significant unintended consequences as well (which I will treat momentarily). What then do I attribute the less-frequent tussles between these boys? I attribute it, frankly, to the fact that the cost of fighting to the other boy was a deterrent.  Each and every time he badgered Matthew to the ends of his patience, he paid a price. That is, these two boys were coming, albeit not rapidly, to a place of equilibrium.

Here is the rest of the story: the adults could not, for various and not entirely unwarranted reasons, tolerate waiting for an equilibrium to be achieved. In this day-and-age, there really is no place for school officials to be too cautious. I get that. So does Mrs Root. These real concerns (most of them legal in nature), are only amplified by some awful realities on private and especially public campuses.

• so-called zero tolerance "bullying" provisions which spare the judge from needing to call balls and strikes
• soft, soft, soft administrators... who are typically bleating heart rose-colored-glasses types who dream of Peace at All Costs in their fiefdoms
• helicopter parents
• weak-kneed, overly-coddled children

Now, onto the unintended consequences:

In order to "correct" our son's operating system, he was instructed that under no circumstance was he to get into any tussle. No matter how badgered or belittled... and even if his nemesis hit him first! If he was attacked, he was instructed that under no circumstance was he to strike back. His orders were to report the attack to an adult.

This boy has been working extremely hard to avoid confrontation. As mentioned, he is now very keen as it relates to his biometrics. And he has successfully avoided no fewer than a dozen physical conflicts with the other boy.

Great, right?

Not so much. The other day Matthew was so furious he refused to go to school for the next two days. When pressed, he said because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to contain himself and prevent himself from finally snapping. So he spent two days at home.

His agitator, on the other hand, attended school.

He is at school today (Matthew, that is). And I am afraid for the phone ringing.

In the principal's effort to curtail the fights, Matthew is now in a position where he cannot win for losing. He continues to be badgered, belittled, and taunted. He continues with this boy goading him.

So, Matthew struggles to understand how this state of affairs... this engineered "truce"... benefits him. It seems to Matthew and to Mrs Root that the other child (who is also a young boy struggling to grow into a decent person, as Matt is) suffers no down-side for his continued obsession with pushing Matthew's buttons.

In review, our child has gained a great deal of self-control over the year. But when is it too much to expect a child to not respond to someone who likes to play this sort of brinkmanship?   At what point is it enough to say, "Matthew, warn him off three times. If he persists, warn him that the next time you will slug him. If he persists, by all means help him remember that there is a cost to messing with the bull. Namely, the horns"?

I do not want my child to be seen as a bully. He is not a bully. He never instigates. His crime is that he is a closer. His crime is that he has no problem finishing something someone else has started. His problem is that in today's world, boys are not permitted to be boys. Boys are expected to be girls. Or perhaps, gay boys. What they are not permitted to be are boys. God forbid!

I have complained about today's Y Generation of entitled, over-educated, no-backbone, mommies' boys.

But what the hell are we going to do when the generation after them comes to age without the ability to throw a good right hook and deliver a message in a manner that leaves no room for interpretation?

It seems to me we do ourselves and our future a grave disservice in the manner in which our schools and educators interfere with the normal development of boys into men.

It seems to me throwing boys into pools of estrogen and manbags will have a very terrible impact.

When we are called to give up our sons to enemies that only understand the use of force... my guess is the Powers that Be and the very same educators will gaze out from beneath their grey hair... they will look to the horizon from their walkers and wheelchairs... and they will see Matthew. For a moment they will be relieved. And then, precisely when he realizes who he is being asked to defend, they will be shocked (of course!) that he gives them a one-fingered salute and tells them to call upon their Army of Geldings.

To all such educators - to the Real Enemy - to the Real Bullies: I, Enoch Root, send you a hearty "f*ck you". Oh yes, and 5 kids total. There will be no victim culture buy-in in our house. Suck on that.